Go Akif Go !

A couple of weeks back I nearly got a panic attack as I was surfing through my old blog and reading about Iffah at 11 months. There were a lot of things I wrote about her in terms of her developmental milestones ..words she understood, her likes and dislikes and all, gosh it was all so detailed... I looked at my adorable Akif and I realise I cannot do a similar "personal profile" because I haven't really observed much. I don't even know what his favourite activities are. It has been more of going through the motions and routines.

I have ingrained so much of the "boys usually speak later, boys are usually more active and not so focussed, boys are harder to toilet train, boys this boys that, " maybe I have set too low an expectation, so much so that I seem to be at peace even if Akif morphs into a laidback mat.

When Akif was 9 months, I was telling him to do many things ... Akif, clap !! Akif, arms up !! Arms up !! Smile Smile !! Wave your arms , Akif ! And to all he just responded with a bye bye. But because he was my cute and handsome boy, he was forgiven. ( Boys do get away with many things )

Anyway, he is turning one next Tuesday ! Yikes ! Everyday I keep telling myself I must do more for his intellectual development, and I would start off quite well in the morning singing during his bathtime and chatting with him and all but as the day goes by, I find myself just flipping magazines as he plays with his toys or merely hovering around him to ensure that he doesn't fall. Most of the time, I am thankful that his older sister is around to play and entertain him cos I would be running out of ideas of what to do.

Thankfully, he seems to be communicating more recently. Could do more gestures on instruction and beginning to sign more too . ( Iffah and I were deliriously happy when he signed milk about 2 weeks ago ) .. ( Iffah the perfectionist has been the one who is not too happy when Akif did not know his signs or mix up his signs and all so she was really very happy for his brother )

So, yes, I am really looking forward to celebrating his birthday next week ..and hopefully I can motivate myself to do more too ! Go Akif go !!

Inactive activism

I badly need to embark on a cause, or something to champion for. I was reading Urban a couple of weeks back and looking at the BAG page. ( I love Urban and I love the BAG page .. for the obvious reason of knowing what bags personalities use, but hmm I also love the quirky personalities featured ) And there was this Malay lady who was the head of Unifem Singapore and her job includes visiting countries such as Cambodia and Indonesia to implement a range of programmes such as imparting business know-hows and setting up crisis centres for abused women. I have always been fascinated by all these UN sounding organisations .. .. Unesco, Unifem , or by the things that personalities such as Angelina Jolie does, such as creating awareness of refugees or promoting humanitarian causes ( whether or not it is for mere publicity is a different issue altogether .. i shall not dwell into that. To be able to do such things is good enough for me )

And so suddenly what I do on a daily basis are so insignificant. I am not saying that I should start packing my bag to work for Greenpeace or raising awareness for landmine victims. It is just that I want to do a bit of social activism too, something small, yet significant.

When I was a SAHM with Iffah, and so into the whole mothering thing, I did dabble in perhaps what I could call breastfeeding advocacy. Became a la leche league and BMSG member, attended a couple of La Leche meetings, attended talks and events like setting the world record for simultaneous breastfeeding and even got the opportuntity to share my experience with new mothers at KKH ( thanks Su for that chance ) . Well, I did believe that all babies deserve the best, so I was just doing my part to share the benefits of breastfeeding. And yes, life seems to be more meaningful when you have something to champion for.

Alas, when I started teaching , my breastfeeding activism sort of died down. Time was a factor, plus I was also not very comfortable with the idea of my naive 15 year olds seeing me appearing in the papers, breastfeeding my kids . To them, breastfeeding merely equates baring boobs I suppose. Also, I felt a renewed interest in teaching ... teaching became my cause, I do not need another cause. Far more importantly, I also felt that breastfeeding was, a very much personal choice. There are so many factors at play as to why someone chose to breastfeed or not. I do not like being told what to do, so I shall not be telling others what to do.If you want to breastfeed then good for you. If not, then it is fine with me too. Since then, if anyone is interested to breastfeed, I will answer any questions or help in any way i can but even though I've breastfed for 4 years non-stop now, I am les gung ho about extolling the virtues of breastfeeding to those who feel that they can't.

So right now, I am without a cause again. Or maybe I do have many causes, just that there are no great sounding names to go with them. Oh well, till i discover what they are, I better get some sleep cos Iffah has been complaining that I am always so sleepy in the day.

The irony of it all

A long time ago, I was 17 and was happily writing poems due to an unrequited crush. I was also enjoying the attention of my friends who loved the poems I wrote. After all, it expressed my innermost emotions and it ryhmed too. Until one friend commented it was quite plain. His reason ? There was no IRONY.

Since then I have resigned to the fact that I will never be a writer or a poet but it had led me to be fascinated with the idea of irony. It has become the frame in which I view or perceive the things around me, and is now my new best friend. I would just dismiss something as not good enough if there is no irony. Recently while watching the media campaign on organ donation at my parents house, my father commented that it did not evoke his emotions and it will never match those by the late Yasmin. To that , i added ..yes I agree totally and there is no irony too. Well, so the simple use of irony can make a clever discussion between a father and daughter .

Anyway, my main point is I do not fancy the idea that something or someone can be so good or so bad. But I often fall into the trap of believing that others are having it better than me, that other people's lives are so perfect. Fellow teachers whose students love them and pours out endless admiring messages in their facebook, loves every minute in the classroom and who speaks so convincingly and executes greatly too. Fellow mothers who are so proud of their children doing so well in school and getting along so well with their siblings, who can wake up early in the morning while the rest are asleep to cook and who are still immaculately dressed when they are out with three kids.

Faced with my insecurities, it is the idea of irony ( ironically ) that helps me cope. For I tell myself that irony is natural to us humans and life in this world. Describing contradictory statements or situations, irony shows that people are not perfect and develops from the realisation that life does not always measure up to promise. That makes me feel better. Especially when life ( and mothering ) are full of ironical moments.

Like how experts n books keep saying that walkers are potentially hazardous or detrimental and would delay development . So no walkers for me. Yet, everyone I know who use walkers for their kids are able to see their kids walk before their first birthday. And me, the by the book idiot waited many months after that and will probably have to wait again the second time round.

Or the love hate relationship i have with staying home. 7pm and I am so exhausted and could not take it anymore and wishing that I could just exit and my kids could take care of themselves or something. I feel like kicking myself for if i am not a SAHM then it would be easier for me to take little breaks between work and home. But at 9pm I would be singing happy songs again and feeling so thankful for being with them.

Then there was this time when my brother and his family informed all of us that they were intending to migrate to Australia ( they have since gotten their PR ) , I began to hit the panic button. Hey, didn't i plan to migrate too ..wasn't i the one who took foreign language n all ? shouldn't Tasha n I be doing something now to get out of the country. I started to franticall y look for my Nie cert in case i need to get a teaching job elsewhere. I didn't find it but coincidentally, came the holiday to Australia. Going to Europe 3 times and Australia 4 times in my younger days and loving them was not the same. Somehow the thrill and the fun was not there anymore. Reality check .. I am a mother to 2 kids and the difficulty of managing a family overseas is multiplied many times more. End of discussion. I am staying here.

And lastly, how despite wanting to stop doing the typically unsingaporean things and do more cultured things , I end up jostling with thousands of singaporean parents the previous weekend who ( possibly ) had the same aim as me- to expose their kids to arts and culture, to do as activities at the ACM's open house.

Yes, so I may be ambiguous or even contradictory. But that is ok. Life ain't perfect, but it is good. Ironic? Even better.

Enrichment madness

Last Sunday was my maiden attempt to bring Iffah to an enrichment class again. Actually, it was not really a full class. It was more of an open house cum trial session at Monte Kidz Elias Mall and I have been wanting to send Iffah to Kinderart since she was 2 but have never found the opportunity. So when I received an sms saying that there was a free trial art session, I immediately registered for it. After all, Iffah has been complaining that she hardly has art lessons in school and has been telling me that she wants to go for art classes so that she can to learn to draw more beautiful girls and princess.

Well, I have always been a big fan on enrichment classes. I always have this mindset that they are more fun and engaging ( due to the short duration ) and they are more specialised. Thus, I have been more than willing to send Iffah to Gymboree Play Tanglin Mall, Gymboree Art Parkway Parade and Kindermusik Tanglin Mall the past two years. As that was before we had a car, we would take the train to Orchard and if Tasha was working I would take the cab. Simple. But this year, with Akif in the picture, it is not so simple anymore.

Earlier in the year, Iffah was in Kindermusik. It was a parent participation class and as Iffah was still unstable we left then 1mth Akif in the care of my dad a couple of times but he soon said that he wants his Saturdays free. So whenever Tasha was working, I had to forego the class ( almost $30 burnt each time ) ..And even when Tasha was around to push Akif in the stroller while I was with Iffah inside, there was once when Akif screamed so he knocked on the door and I left the room to tend to Akif. Iffah did not want Tasha to accompany her n then screamed n created a big scene. She did not want to go back in until dear Akif was sound asleep and I could then accompany her again. So when the term ended, I decided to stop too.

Well, half a year has since passed and as she has adjusted well to both Akif and the idea of drop off classes, I have started enquiring on some enrichment classes. However, I would only go so far as Pasir Ris area.. so I had brought Iffah to Loyang Point to check out the Crestar Yamaha classes and I Can Read at White Sands. I thought I Can Read was atrociously expensive! About $500 for 11 weeks and that is not inclusive of other fees. Plus it looked too much like a typical classroom setting .The English teacher in me was thinking that she could do some grammar , composition or comprehension practices but I figured I would stay away from the enrichment classes that are too regimented for now. So, I am still not so sure if i should also enrol her for the Yamaha Junior Course as 1. I have to purchase an electone and practice with her and again, it looks too rigidly structured.

I am more inclined to enrol her in more fun classes. Interestingly, Monte Kidz at Elias Mall has Kinderart and Kindermusik enrichment. They even have Speech n Drama classes by Act 3. However, response has not been too good and even though I am hoping hard there are enough kids to form a Kinderart class, I figured that Arts is really something that not many parents would put their kids in. Sigh.

So back to the trial class last Sunday. Tasha was working the night shift on Saturday . So I was rushing to get ready my two kids. Iffah was eager so getting her ready was easy. Alas, it began to rain heavily just as we were leaving so I had to call a cab. So there I was braving the rain , with Akif in the ergo, Iffah on one hand and umbrella on the other. During the trial, Akif was not too happy waiting while his sister is drawing so it was quite difficult as he wriggled n struggled to get down . I brought him to McDonalds, tried to bfd him to sleep and all but he was still one whiny baby. Eventually I just went to one corner and carried him to sleep.

Iffah was soon done and she proudly showed me her drawing of a goldfish and rabbit. But by then, I was really exhausted. We hailed a taxi and went back ... and seriously for the next hour or so, I was too exhausted to entertain them.

Iffah was really happy .. but I wonder if I would be able to do it every week. And this is just 2 kids ... What if there is 3 ..or 4 ? Need to find a class or a location that would meet all their needs .. Anyway, I have not resolved Iffah's enrichment headache yet .. but I have just discovered that there is a MyGym in Tampines!!! Yay !! Hopefully I can find a weekday class between 2 to 4 next year so that I can accompany Akif to My Gym while Iffah is in school :):)

Changing perspectives

I am blogging right now cos I'm feeling a little bit smug about Iffah's achievement. As usual, I was lying on my bed with sleeping Akif and waiting for Iffah to fall asleep. Tasha was on his afternoon shift and usually gets back around midnight. However, after 20 min, I did not see any signs of Iffah's sleepiness. In fact she started humming the ewa ewa besok hari raya song. Not wanting to fall asleep while waiting for her to sleep (like i always do every other night ) , I decided I had enough and told her I will be outside in the living room "doing my own things" . Well, she did peep a bit and rolled on the floor a bit but eventually she did fall asleep on her own ! A major milestone for her. Alhamdulillah, she has gone through and matured a lot this year.


Well, that brings me to the main thing that I have been wanting to write about. About how my perspectives have changed since having 2 kids.


With no.1 , I was quite excited over developmental milestones. Every day was a new eye-opening experience. Mothering was an adventure.. from trying out new recipes .. to painstakingly making DIY Glenn Doman flashcard. Every little thing I did with Iffah must have an objective in mind, be it physically or emotionally . Right now, maybe my standards have slid a little, but accelerating Akif's developmental milestone is no longer on the agenda. In fact, I often wonder if I neglect him cos he seems to be merely co-existing with the rest of us in the family.


My main concerns are their health and my sanity. Feeding my kids well is on high priority. What's the point of being so intelligent, but so sickly and scrawny. Mummy shall not just be good in teaching them ... Mummy wants be a good cook for them too.


As for my sanity. The desire for me time has never been more pressing now that I have 2. With one, I can be sane even though I was with her 24/7 for a year. After all when she naps or sleeps, I can do other things right ? But with 2 ? and how about 3 or 4 ?? And while I used to brush off the idea of setting aside couple time without kids, I now see the logic of it. The four of us can be together the whole day ... but for the entire day, Tasha and I would not have had any decent conversation at all cos we are just centred on minding the kids. So I would no longer frown on others who are often seen without their kids.

Thus, my conscious effort to do the Supernanny thing. Tell a story. Kiss them good night , tuck the kids to sleep and get out of the room. Previously , while I liked watching Supernanny, I could never think that I could do such a thing. But now I am beginning to appreciate the rather organized and ordered scenario she could create. Iffah's dawdling n moving about during mealtimes were initially tolerated cos I wanted her to eat as much as possible, plus I had the time to entertain her. Now that there is Akif to watch over, I have gone to the extent of setting time limits and withholding snacks to ensure that she finishes her food quickly. And the results are amazing. :)

At the age of 29..

- I've just discovered how alluring the world of bags and shoes is. Previously, shoes and bags were like things I only think about when Hari Raya is near. Now all that I keep thinking about is I need to get that gladiator sandals or I must really check out that 'Easy' bag.. looks quite maintenance free.

- I realise I've not been making effort to socialize. Well, it is difficult enough to find time to leave the kids at home for me time or couple time, let alone friends time. But narrowing my options to just having outings with friends who are mothers is not exactly sending the message that I value all types of friends equally. Well, at the end of the day, not knowing about old chums getting married and finding out that the person that one of my friend married to was not the boyfriend whom I thought she had made me feel that I should do more to keep myself updated with what is happening with other people and not be so self-centric. Reading facebook or blog entries do not count.

- I'm still contemplating of different career options. Well, I did think that I want to teach for a long time. When I was in MUIS, I felt I 'd rather talk than write, these days , I am thinking of the opposite.. I'd rather write than talk . Like journalism, real social research .. or some social activism .

- 30 doesn't seem old anymore. Well, I don't feel old. But I am irritated by the "young" 20 somethings who are loud, rude and materialistic and think that they are too pretty and sexy for the world ( maybe they are , but where's the humility man ? ) Or maybe, that's a sign that I AM old.

All about Food

Same thick hair, same chubby cheeks. But that is where the similarity ends. Iffah loves her milk, but not her food. Akif is the opposite, he is not a drinker but feeding him so far has been quite a pleasurable experience. After 4 years of feeding a girl whose favourite phrase is "dah kenyang, " I was beginning to feel that I must have done something wrong somewhere.

Well, I did try. After all, when I started out Iffah on semi-solids, I bought so many kinds. Nestle cereal, Gerber cereal, Heinz cereal, Frisocrem. I tried all .. She did eat, but little. I could never finish anyting before the expiration date.

So right now, I am hoping that my little Akif will be one who loves his food. I won't say that he eats everything. He hated the cauliflowers and vomitted the bananas I gave and the apples that were not blended fine enough. However, when he eats , he eats a lot. And that is enough to make mummy happy.

My philosophy on food has changed too. I am not too adventurous this time. My primary aim is to fatten him up :) So if he likes something, I will just give. And after he reacted to Nestle ( a surprise cos Iffah reacted to Heinz n Gerber but not Nestle ) , I began to be interested in Organic Food. I like Healthy Times cereals cos the brown rice cereal contained just that ..brown rice. and not a long list like other brands, making it hard to trace what the allergens could be. And as Iffah did not take well to Heinz , I opted for Heinz organic this time.

Right now, Akif's food are blended papayas ( his fave ) , pear , apples and blended carrots.

Healthy Times Brown rice cereal and Oatmeal cereal

Heinz Organic Golden Vegetables .. Yummy. Iffah could never finish anything in a bottle .. but Akif can .He has finished two and Im thinking of buying more .. so handy for day trips n travels.

Well, I can't wait to see how likes his porridge.

Family Friendly wedding

With a girl who will kick up a fuss everytime I wanna bring her out and a baby who was circumcised just 2 days before, I wasn't sure that going to my secondary schoolmate's wedding was a good idea. Firstly, Tasha was at work . Secondly, it was at the other side of singapore and thirdly unlike a typical Malay wedding where you can come and go this was a church wedding which my 2 kids and I had to sit through for a period of time. I was fearful that kids would be disruptive so I actually checked with my friend to make sure that kids could come along.

Well, I should not have worried. I soon realised how family friendly a church set up is . Once I was there, I saw that the back seats are reserved for parents with kids ( and labelled too). That's good since it is easy for parents or kids to move in and out.

Then, if babies start to wail , which Akif did 30 min after the ceremony started cos he wants to be fed, there was this special room. It was like a room at the back ..with a glass screen ... you could still see the ceremony and hear what was going on as there were speakers inside but no one outside could hear you. The name of the room wasn't flattering but hey, it served its purpose.

And not only that there were also many books and toys in the room. Iffah even found a good book for babies ( those black white red kind ).

And in addition, the halal food was family friendly too. Iffah never eats the briyani or ayam masak merah during Malay weddings but she was happily lapping up the fried mee poh which was not spicy. So yup, it was indeed a lovely wedding ceremony and yay no tantrums or fussiness from my 2 kids either. Thanks Yaling , you really made me feel welcome!

Mothering 24/7

I must have been fooling myself to think that being a second time mother would make things super easy. In fact, I was actually lulled into complacency in the first week Akif was born. Birth was fast.Breastfeeding was easy as he latched on immediately, and when he came home, he slept peacefully in the cot. Even though nights were tiring, I had some good nights when he slept a good 3 hours each and only cried for a feed. It was completely different from Iffah who cried a lot more and was more difficult to breastfeed. So by the end of the first week, I had actually managed to go online or read every night, watch the final 2 episodes of Little Nyonya ( which i ensured Tasha recorded before we left for the hospital ) and was looking forward to 15 more weeks of such bliss.

Well, to cut the story short, the next 4 weeks were really big tests. Although I was not feeling as low as I was when I had Bell's Palsy during the first pregnancy, I must say that the tears did fall again.

Week 2 - Akif got admitted for his high jaundice and I chose to stay throughout to breastfeed. Iffah refused to leave without me so I had to go home with her late at night and sneak out again at midnight. Of course, spending 12 hours at the hospital was really stressful for a 4 year old but nobody could persuade her to go home.

After the stay, there were times she started to cry and kicked a fuss when I held and breastfeed Akif. Phrases such as " Ibu tak boleh dukung adik , I nak campak dia , I nak cubit dia, taruk dia balik" coming from the girl I once adored was too painful. At times, I even resented her. Our journey to Tanglin Mall for her Kindermusik class that week was also a waste when she woke up and threw a tantrum cos I was carrying baby. She refused to go to class and we all had to go home.

Week 3 - Once my urut was over, sent Iffah to school again after not being able to send her the past two weeks. Had to brace myself for her struggles and cries.

Week 4- Iffah had fever which lasted quite long this time. Missed school again. Her jealousy was of course escalated so I had to tend to her most of the time. There were times that I had to give Akif EBM as Iffah would not let me spend time with Akif.

Week 5 - One week of adjusting to her school. She was fine in school but crying everyday at home in the morning and evening everytime she thinks about having to go to school the next day. At the same time, I felt sick too. The flu virus was really powerful that OTC Peppermint Woods and panadol didn't help. I was having fever every other night and night times were truly exhausting.

Week 6- Akif's turn to get the cough and flu. Had to deal with his bouts of crying and vomitting. Thankfully Iffah no longer cries and actually looks forward to school.

Anyway it made me realise what maternity leave is all about. It is 4 months privilege of 24/7 mothering. When else would I get the privilege to be with my kids at their times of joy and pain? Of course, some personal time is important too but it was downright unrealistic to think that I could use my 4 months to lavish myself with spas, facials, hair treatments, long distance holidays, catching up with cooking, scrapbooking, polishing on my driving etc etc.

So yes, I have accepted the fact that trips to Orchard Road on Saturdays are no longer fun. ( Too tiring ) And Iffah is not the big sister who is mummy's little assistant in soothing her crying brother.Iffah will always be herself the girl who is talkative, bubbly and loves to kiss her little brother but will still have her tantrums and meltdowns.

8 weeks of my maternity leave have already passed. Will definitely cherish every single 24/7 moments of mothering I have left.

The birth of Akif

Well, just to summarise the birth of Adik Akif, which happened about 5 hours after another big event of the year - Kakak Iffah's first day of formal school.

Sunday 4th Jan :
Afternoon
I felt that the day was about to come, although I was hoping that it would not come until weekend so that Iffah can go to school for about a week. Anyway , I spent the day out at Plaza Singapura, as I really want to jalan jalan before being confined.

Night
Some contractions ...but irregular. Nevertheless I decided to go to sleep early just in case I need the energy the next day. The whole night was peaceful ... no contractions ... had a good sleep.

Monday 5th Jan
Morning 8 am :
I lost my mucuos plug. Same sign as my first pregnancy. The first time, I was only dilated 3 cm 24 hours after the bloody show and I when I surfed, a bloody show could even mean birth 2 weeks later so I was thinking I could hold on till Wed or Thur.

12pm
More blood but no contractions. Got Iffah ready for school and told Tasha he could still go to work that night unless I felt pain. Accompanied Iffah for her first day Orientation from 1 to 3 pm. No pain still

4.10 pm : Took my laptop from my school, do not want it to be there for the next 4 months. Thought of using it that night at my parents place when Tasha is doing his night shift.

4.35 pm : Weekly Appointment with Dr Heng. Surprise I was 4 cm dilated. Dr suggested I go home , have dinner and pack and go to the hospital at night. Should I wait for regular contractions I asked ? Nope just come. Still, I was not convinced and planned to go after maghrib.

5.45 pm : Reached my parents house to drop off Iffah. Tasha went home to get my things. Had been telling her she has to stay overnight at atuk's house while ibu is at the hospital. So she was ready.

6.00 pm : Felt pain. It was so intense that i wasn't even comfortable praying asar sitting down. Called Tasha to hurry up and said I cannot wait until maghrib.

6.15 pm : Told Tasha I cannot wait until he finish his food. We need to Go. NOW.

6.30 pm : In the car .. peak hour traffic !! Jam !!! Argh. Tasha was panicking as I was groaning in pain and cannot even sit straight. I was praying hard that I will not give birth in the car.

7.10: Finally . Eastshore ! Cannot walk anymore .. Wheelchair !!!!

7.15 pm : Nurse checked and it was 6 cm. Asked for gas .... yikes . Felt drowsy and vomitted all the peach ice blended. So no choice had to bear the pain without the gas.

I could then hear Dr Heng's voice around 30 min later but she went next door instead. Could hear screams and a crying baby. Hearing that, I was contemplating more pain relief.

However, she soon came to break the water bag. The pain level was even higher and the thought of epidural came into my mind but then the Dr told me to push whenever I was ready.

You mean I could push for the baby to come out now ? I asked the nurse. So push I did. No episiotomy even. And after 3 pushes, there it was my no. 2 who arrived at 8.20 p.m. Relief.. Chatted with the Dr about wanting to watch the final episode of Little Nyonya while she was stitching. Hoping that I could catch the ending back in the ward.

It all happened so fast. I even jokingly told Tasha he could still go to work there and then. Oh well, it is almost a week now. Now, I am hoping for some sort of day and night routine and to quickly resettle Iffah back in school after missing it the rest of the week.